Monday, September 5, 2011
Warrior Dash!!!!
I Did It! 1:13:37.70 was my time! I cannot begin to describe what an amazing feeling it was to finish the Warrior Dash! I am a 46 year old woman and I friggin did it! I weighed almost 200 pounds a year ago and I did the f-ing Warrior Dash!
The Ups and Downs of Weight Loss
I've lost 41 pounds, how amazing is that??? I was so excited when I got on the scale and it said 155 pounds. I high-fived my trainer, high-fived another trainer, and hugged the gym owner! I had, a few years back, resigned myself to being fat, overweight, frumpy. I cried in the shower after my workout that day, not because I was sad, but because I NEVER thought I would be able to wear a small shirt or size 10 jeans ever again.
Something changed in me a year ago and I realized I wanted to be small again. A kind word made me rethink my position on resigning myself to always being fat. Aching joints and feet made me think about how nice it would be to be in shape so I joined the gym (after several weeks of debating it in my head) and never looked back!
I wish I could say the weight loss has always been a wonderful, uphill climb. It hasn't been. Its been full of ups and downs both physically and emotionally. Some days are filled with the pain of sore muscles and injuries. Some days are filled with emotional turmoil at either not losing weight or not knowing how to handle the new person I am becoming. Some days I am confident in myself and my abilities and some days I feel like a loser still.
Lately, all of the sudden, people have been telling me how skinny I look, or marvel at how much weight I've lost or how much I've changed. Its a battle even knowing how to accept the praise. The old me would just minimize the accomplishment by saying it was nothing, or that I haven't yet reached my goal, or I haven't lost that much yet...but I battle to overcome those reactions and accept the compliment graciously continues. It was hard work! It took a long time! I had to be disciplined in my eating and training to accomplish my weight loss! So now I say "Thank you, I've worked really hard to get here!"
But all days are not smiling happiness or joy. Just this weekend, I went shopping to get new clothing because everything I own practically is too big. I was excited to be able to fit into small shirts! I tried on about 25 shirts and 5 pairs of pants/shorts. I came home with 3 shirts and a pair of shorts. I'm too big for smalls and to small for mediums. So annoying. So I dressed for an evening with friends I hadn't seen in awhile in what I felt was a nice outfit that was slimming and went on my way. During the course of the evening, pictures were taken with cell phones and as I looked at the pictures, I saw that I still was pretty much the biggest one in the pictures. Still, after all this hard work, I am not where I want to be. I am not sure why exactly this upset me so greatly because I am certainly MUCH smaller than I was a year ago, but it did, and it carried over into the next day. The image in my head of how I look never seems to match what appears in the mirror (or camera). Sometimes the image in my head is still 40 pounds overweight and sometimes its way smaller than I actually am.
I realize this is a journey. Its a LONG, HARD journey. It doesn't just change the physical appearance, it changes the person inside also. Its hard to come to terms with who I have been and who I am becoming. Its a time of drastic change, not just in my physical appearance but in how I handle life. Its emotionally draining at times. I don't think most people understand unless they have gone through it. I yearn for my husband to acknowledge the accomplishment and tell me he is proud of me. I have no doubt he is proud of me but it would be nice to hear it without having to ask. But I didn't really do this for him, or for anyone but myself and I need to remember that. Once I take the focus off of why I did this (for me alone) it no longer is my accomplishment. Its not a competition with other gym members. Its not meant to change how people view me or act with me. It is mine alone, my journey to finding out who I am and what I am capable of.
Something changed in me a year ago and I realized I wanted to be small again. A kind word made me rethink my position on resigning myself to always being fat. Aching joints and feet made me think about how nice it would be to be in shape so I joined the gym (after several weeks of debating it in my head) and never looked back!
I wish I could say the weight loss has always been a wonderful, uphill climb. It hasn't been. Its been full of ups and downs both physically and emotionally. Some days are filled with the pain of sore muscles and injuries. Some days are filled with emotional turmoil at either not losing weight or not knowing how to handle the new person I am becoming. Some days I am confident in myself and my abilities and some days I feel like a loser still.
Lately, all of the sudden, people have been telling me how skinny I look, or marvel at how much weight I've lost or how much I've changed. Its a battle even knowing how to accept the praise. The old me would just minimize the accomplishment by saying it was nothing, or that I haven't yet reached my goal, or I haven't lost that much yet...but I battle to overcome those reactions and accept the compliment graciously continues. It was hard work! It took a long time! I had to be disciplined in my eating and training to accomplish my weight loss! So now I say "Thank you, I've worked really hard to get here!"
But all days are not smiling happiness or joy. Just this weekend, I went shopping to get new clothing because everything I own practically is too big. I was excited to be able to fit into small shirts! I tried on about 25 shirts and 5 pairs of pants/shorts. I came home with 3 shirts and a pair of shorts. I'm too big for smalls and to small for mediums. So annoying. So I dressed for an evening with friends I hadn't seen in awhile in what I felt was a nice outfit that was slimming and went on my way. During the course of the evening, pictures were taken with cell phones and as I looked at the pictures, I saw that I still was pretty much the biggest one in the pictures. Still, after all this hard work, I am not where I want to be. I am not sure why exactly this upset me so greatly because I am certainly MUCH smaller than I was a year ago, but it did, and it carried over into the next day. The image in my head of how I look never seems to match what appears in the mirror (or camera). Sometimes the image in my head is still 40 pounds overweight and sometimes its way smaller than I actually am.
I realize this is a journey. Its a LONG, HARD journey. It doesn't just change the physical appearance, it changes the person inside also. Its hard to come to terms with who I have been and who I am becoming. Its a time of drastic change, not just in my physical appearance but in how I handle life. Its emotionally draining at times. I don't think most people understand unless they have gone through it. I yearn for my husband to acknowledge the accomplishment and tell me he is proud of me. I have no doubt he is proud of me but it would be nice to hear it without having to ask. But I didn't really do this for him, or for anyone but myself and I need to remember that. Once I take the focus off of why I did this (for me alone) it no longer is my accomplishment. Its not a competition with other gym members. Its not meant to change how people view me or act with me. It is mine alone, my journey to finding out who I am and what I am capable of.
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