The Road Paved with Good Intentions

Failure.  Big FAT Failure.  That's me.  The keyword isn't "failure", it's FAT.  Because that's what I am again.  And I hate it. 

Barely able to "run" a tenth of a mile without dying, I've gone back to being what I hated before and freed myself of!  I am an idiot.  I remember stating emphatically I would NEVER let myself get "that way" EVER again but that's just where I am and what I've done.  

So, now what?  I can't go back to working out 3 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I struggle to find the magical nutritional balance.  Heck, I can't run around the block without being in pain.  

But I have to do something.  I HAVE TO!

I'm attempting to begin to train for a 10k in April and I'll see where that gets me.  I want my mobility back!  I want my health back!  I want my skinny back. 

Round 2...

For two years I worked really hard at losing weight and getting in shape. I set lots of challenges, like completing the Warrior Dash, and this year the Alien half-marathon.  I worked really hard at getting fit, and then summer happened  It started with Fair and went downhill from there.  Shortly after the week long binge known as fair, Equestrian Team started and we had a presidential primary election in the Cerk's office where I work.  Lots of practices, overtime, and excessive sleep deprivation kept me from working out.  I suppose some of it also had to do with things changing at the gym.  My trainer left and I felt like I just needed a break from it all after that.  I let things go.  I would work out intermittently and do classes but it just wasn't the same. 

Then this past weekend, after spending some time with friends working an event that spanned 3 days, I just didn't like how I looked or felt.  I had put back on some weight and lost some muscle tone.  On Monday morning I woke up feeling like a slug.  I hated it. 

Now, during this whole life-changing process, I never set a final weight goal.  I'm not really sure why I didn't.  It was mostly a mental thing I suppose and I would just tell people "I'll know when I get there".  I wasn't ready for what it would mean to reach that goal, so I put it off.  On Monday, November 12, 2012 I finally decided it was time.  This year has been such an emotionally up and down year for me.  I had friends come into my life and friends leave my life (sometimes they were one in the same).  I had been hurt over and over and I just felt so out of control personally that I realized I need something that I can control.  I need something to get me back in focus on what is really important - changing myself and not worrying about anyone else.  This personal journey isn't about other people or how they view me, its about me and how I view myself.  Over the past three months, I started slipping back into insecurity and questioning my own worth because of how other people treated me and I realized I need to get back the confidence that comes with knowing you tried your hardest and achieved what you never thought you could.  Working out and getting fit gives me that.   

The more I thought about it on Monday, the more I realized that It was time to start the second part of this journey.  I'd been putting it off for a multitude of reasons but I guess I realize that, even though it will be through the holiday season, I need to do this for myself.  So I set my goal, which I am keeping between me and my trainer.  It may need to be adjusted as I get closer but I have a number in my head and I need to lose over 20 pounds by April 1, 2013.  Why April 1st?  Because that is the day I will celebrate by jumping out of a plane with some friends and knocking another item off of my bucket list...another thing that has lacked attention this year!   So, I will try to be accountable by keeping this blog updated for once.  Should be interesting and given my personality; hopefully entertaining.  And my daughters better lock up their clothes, because when I reach this goal...you better bet I'll be borrowing them :)

Not sure how to react sometimes...

This was a draft from 2011 After I did the Warrior Dash

So I've lost 36 pounds, weigh 160.4 lbs and can fit (depending on the manufacturer) in a size 8/10 or Medium. A year ago, I was 196.4 pounds and wearing XXL or 16/18 clothing.

Now, I workout as often as I can. If offered a training session by my awesome trainer Greg Taylor at Anytime Fitness in Ortonville (both deserve a plug!) I totally take him up on it. The more, the better.

A year ago, if you offered me more cake ... what the heck, I was already overweight so what did it matter. I hated doing anything that involved cardio but still tried to act like I was fit enough to stand at a horse show taking pictures all day, which resulted in ALOT of pain!

Recently, people have been telling me how awesome I look. How skinny I look. I get congratulated frequently. The paper did a story on how I completed the Warrior Dash (http://oxfordleader.com/one-dirty-runwarrior-dash-5k/) and people congratulate me for that also. I have to be honest and say I have no idea how to handle this. I have to fight the overwhelming urge to minimize what I have accomplished and merely say "Thank you" with a smile and acknowledge that I have worked really hard. So why is it so awkward for me? Its hard to know how to act when you go from being somewhat invisible to being noticed by people. I am used to being overlooked and was comfortable with that. But now, people are noticing not just the change in my body, but the change in ME and I am struggling to know how to cope with it.

Don't get me wrong, who doesn't love positive attention! I do love it. But there is always the little voice in the back of my head telling me that "you aren't there yet", "you'll never reach your goal", "people are just being nice, they don't mean it". Its that voice that I have to overcome on a daily basis. Its the same stupid voice I listened to for the past ... um... all my life. The voice often tells me I don't measure up and never will and the voice needs to go away.

I'm trying to come to grips with new things like confidence. Its like coming out of a fog and looking into a mirror at yourself in a way you never did before. Sometimes I have an urge to go back to where its safe, for what I know is comfortable...but with renewed confidence and self-awareness this only lasts a moment and I head back to the gym. Sometimes the new me gets really scared that this is just a "phase" and I will stop going to the gym. I panic and resolve to not let my new active lifestyle be a fad.

I've not completed my journey. I am halfway to where I want to be, and to where I know I'll get. The new me is so much happier. Things don't get to me as much. My marriage is better. My self-esteem is soooo much more improved!

Warrior Dash!!!!

I Did It! 1:13:37.70 was my time! I cannot begin to describe what an amazing feeling it was to finish the Warrior Dash! I am a 46 year old woman and I friggin did it! I weighed almost 200 pounds a year ago and I did the f-ing Warrior Dash!

The Ups and Downs of Weight Loss

I've lost 41 pounds, how amazing is that???  I was so excited when I got on the scale and it said 155 pounds.  I high-fived my trainer, high-fived another trainer, and hugged the gym owner!  I had, a few years back, resigned myself to being fat, overweight, frumpy.  I cried in the shower after my workout that day, not because I was sad, but because I NEVER thought I would be able to wear a small shirt or size 10 jeans ever again.  

Something changed in me a year ago and I realized I wanted to be small again.  A kind word made me rethink my position on resigning myself to always being fat.  Aching joints and feet made me think about how nice it would be to be in shape so I joined the gym (after several weeks of debating it in my head) and never looked back!

I wish I could say the weight loss has always been a wonderful, uphill climb.  It hasn't been.  Its been full of ups and downs both physically and emotionally.  Some days are filled with the pain of sore muscles and injuries.  Some days are filled with emotional turmoil at either not losing weight or not knowing how to handle the new person I am becoming.  Some days I am confident in myself and my abilities and some days I feel like a loser still.

Lately, all of the sudden, people have been telling me how skinny I look, or marvel at how much weight I've lost or how much I've changed.  Its a battle even knowing how to accept the praise.  The old me would just minimize the accomplishment by saying it was nothing, or that I haven't yet reached my goal, or I haven't lost that much yet...but I battle to overcome those reactions and accept the compliment graciously continues.  It was hard work!  It took a long time! I had to be disciplined in my eating and training to accomplish my weight loss!  So now I say "Thank you, I've worked really hard to get here!"

But all days are not smiling happiness or joy.  Just this weekend, I went shopping to get new clothing because everything I own practically is too big.  I was excited to be able to fit into small shirts!  I tried on about 25 shirts and 5 pairs of pants/shorts.  I came home with 3 shirts and a pair of shorts.  I'm too big for smalls and to small for mediums.  So annoying.  So I dressed for an evening with friends I hadn't seen in awhile in what I felt was a nice outfit that was slimming and went on my way.  During the course of the evening, pictures were taken with cell phones and as I looked at the pictures, I saw that I still was pretty much the biggest one in the pictures.  Still, after all this hard work, I am not where I want to be.  I am not sure why exactly this upset me so greatly because I am certainly MUCH smaller than I was a year ago, but it did, and it carried over into the next day.  The image in my head of how I look never seems to match what appears in the mirror (or camera).  Sometimes the image in my head is still 40 pounds overweight and sometimes its way smaller than I actually am.  

I realize this is a journey.  Its a LONG, HARD journey.  It doesn't just change the physical appearance, it changes the person inside also.  Its hard to come to terms with who I have been and who I am becoming.  Its a time of drastic change, not just in my physical appearance but in how I handle life.  Its emotionally draining at times.  I don't think most people understand unless they have gone through it.  I yearn for my husband to acknowledge the accomplishment and tell me he is proud of me.  I have no doubt he is proud of me but it would be nice to hear it without having to ask.  But I didn't really do this for him, or for anyone but myself and I need to remember that.  Once I take the focus off of why I did this (for me alone) it no longer is my accomplishment.  Its not a competition with other gym members.  Its not meant to change how people view me or act with me.  It is mine alone, my journey to finding out who I am and what I am capable of.

Promoting Health

Back in May I signed up with ViSalus Sciences to do their 90 day challenge. If you care to check it out, my website is www.loseweighteasy.bodybyvi.com (cheesy name, I know). My mother had been telling me about the 90 day Challenge since the beginning of the year. Being a natural skeptic and self-professed "know-it-all", I listened but didn't really take it seriously.

Mother's day weekend, I went down to Ohio to see my mom and to take pictures of my brother's congregation (I do photography as a side job). At a family get together at my mom's, I talked at length with my sister-in-law, Diane, who introduced my mom to the Body By Vi products. Just so you, the blog reader can understand, my sister-in-law researches EVERYTHING to death! This is something I LOVE about her. She doesn't just take somebody's word for how a product works, she actually goes out and finds out for herself! She never endorses anything unless she believes 150% in its effectiveness.

I also noticed that my mother, who was tired ALL the time last time (often needing a nap mid day), was not as tired as she had been last time I was home. In fact, she went all day without needing to lie down or nap.

That alone sold me. I was so tired every day at about 3:00 PM, I often would need to walk around or drink coffee to keep awake. Clearly something was missing. Also, I had hit a wall in my weight loss. I hadn't really lost a pound or any inches in over a month and was a little discouraged. When I started this weight loss journey, I decided to alter my lifestyle in a way that wasn't unreasonable (i.e. starving myself with carrots and celery). I had been tracking what I ate on a website (www.nutrimirror.com) but got away from it when I was away from my computer for any period of time. I was hopeful that the shakes would kick start my weight loss and they did just that :)

Since I joined in May and started on the shakes, I've lost 8 more pounds and gone down another size. Certainly my training at the gym is an important key to my weight loss (props to Extreme Results Personal Training and Greg Taylor, my awesome trainer). But Diet is also key and if the Body By Vi shakes help me with calories and keep me feeling full...why not have a shake every morning!

So to wrap this post up, here is what I do...everyone is different so you need to find the balance that works for you and is sustainable. I do a Body by Vi shake every morning at 8:30 when I get to work. I use unsweetened almond milk (8 oz) and typically make a strawberry/banana chocolate shake. (1 banana, 5 frozen unsweetened strawberries and 1 tbsp of Cocoa). With the banana its about 250 calories. I only use a banana for breakfast. (I typically only do the breakfast shake but for weight loss two shakes a day are recommended with a full meal at dinner.) At about 10:00 AM I have a cheese stick or hardboiled egg and then I go to the gym for training at 11:30 AM. I get back to work and eat my lunch, which is usually a salad with chicken cooked on the George Foreman grill. At about 3 PM I have another egg or cheese stick and sometimes a snack of healthy whole grain crackers or pretzels. Then dinner as usual. I watch my portions and try to stay low fat, higher protein. So far I am happy with the results. I don't feel like I am starving all the time. If I have a few days of crazy eating, I simply do a shake for breakfast and lunch for a day or so. I am loving this whole journey and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the ease of the shakes! No more Egg McMuffins because I am in too much of a hurry to make oatmeal.

So, that is my Body By Vi story so far. I am still researching, still skeptical but less so every day! I am also researching the science behind the product and the more I learn, the more I like. Also, it is a total package. Making a lifestyle change to be healthy includes exercise and diet. Yes you can lose weight with just the shakes or adjusting your diet, but how healthy are you really? Exercise is the key to sustained weight loss and keeping your body young. Go for a walk! Go swimming! Get off the couch and live life!

Workout Marathon

Yesterday, I was on a mission. I had gotten on the scale at the gym after my morning workout with Greg to find that I had lost another pound :). I was thrilled and wanted to keep it up. My workout with Greg was brutal as usual (which I LOVE) and we extended it a little longer than we normally do.

After work, I went back to the gym to give a massage and debated about doing Boot Camp. I had worked out legs and Boot Camp is usually heavy in leg exercises. So at about 5 minutes into the class, I decided to just do it. Greg's Boot Camps are pretty grueling and at the end I had sweat dripping from all over. It was crazy and hard and I loved every minute of it.

But I was not finished!!! Because I am an Extreme Results Client, I naturally had to take this to a whole other level...so I did Spin Class. I thought my legs were going to fall off and at one point thought I might be physically ill...but I did it!

My inspiration for this workout craziness is Charity and Sheila. These two ladies work out so hard every day! They spend hours at the gym working out on their own or with Greg and when that is done, they do the classes. They both inspire me to keep going and to keep going harder, longer and with determination.

During Spin class, the bikes are set up in front of the wall of mirrors. This used to be the "Wall of Shame" because when I looked into the mirror, I just saw a fat, middle-aged lady. But last night, during spin class, I really looked at myself in the mirror and I looked pretty good! My neck was so much thinner. My face was thinner. I had muscles in my shoulders, chest and arms! True my thighs and legs are still way bigger than I want, but I know by looking at the rest of me that its just a matter of time before I banish ALL the fat!

This past year has been one of extremes, so Extreme Results Training and the Extreme Fitness Studio really fit with me. I was extremely overweight, extremely depressed and thought I would never get out of the extreme rut I was in. Then, I made an extreme choice to join Anytime Fitness even though our finances were extremely tight. I workout with extreme determination every chance I get and I am extremely pleased with the results. My live is so much better with exercise. I hope I NEVER lose this drive to succeed and become the best me I can be physically!